Dev Blog 4: The Perils of Slowing down?

Been trying to learn GDscript for days on top of the work of everyday life. I don't feel the NEED to go faster but I still feel the fear of not going fast enough. Maybe that's being 37. I felt it before but not as intensely. Like, this could be the last time I leave a project to rot. Or the last time I "try" before I have "done".

That can sometimes give way to other sadder thoughts about what would even happen if I made a game. I see trailers for other artists work (Hi Endacopia and ENA) and don't feel compelled to play THEM, despite being single creator driven works of art. Can I handle people not playing my game? Or getting enough people to play it that I have to hear someone call 37 years of "letting life build" to being able to make a game while being a stay at home dad: Mid, 5/10 etc...

A problem for future VG because I am not stopping. I see AI and I can always rely on that heating my hate furnace (an essential part to my process, I tell myself), I WANT to create, so I have that. I just, like always, have only myself to rely on to find a source of education, stick with it, measure my own learning and adjust it reliably and, maybe, eventually, have that process result in a demo.

This blog is a mess and I really don't care. Having a Diary is nice, I have a more private one in On-Together, a game I CANNOT STRESS is acting like an amalgam of surrogate peers occasionally offering as much as direct advice or as little as someone to cheer me or to cheer on. It also distracts me when I face my worst enemy: Sitting down and taking notes and learning and not DOING.

I dunno if I ever went into it here but I would rather DIE than take a pill to focus. They did that to me in middle school and I became worse and more unstable for it. Literally on speed at an age where I didn't know how to talk to girls. So, pills or over-caffeination are not going to dig my brain out of this hole. I need a ladder, like someone who wants to see me do well enough to be the structure I clearly have a problem giving myself or receiving from people who expect "returns".

So, solo work and rolling up sleeves and bootstrap logic it is. If this hour long video on GDscript takes me a year, so be it, I can't ignore not knowing a programming language. I wouldn't travel to Japan only knowing all the attack names from Dragon Ball Z now, would I?.

Masenko Special Beam Cannon,

VG-San